Rachael vs. Guy Episode Four: Moonbounces and Fire-Breathing Children

This week, the Food Network’s culinary take on a celebricharity competition (I think there’s enough of these shows that it deserves its own word) chugged on into the fourth episode. Instead of cooking for food editors, farm owners, or diner patrons, this week the celebrity cooks prepared dishes and a party for some of the most critical eaters ever: children. Last week, it was a tense showdown in the Elimination Cook-Off, but this week’s cut I think would qualify as a slaughter. Read on for the full recap!

Rachael Ray and Guy Fieri, our chipper hosts, gathered the celebrities outside of what looked like a mansion of some sort. Who knows what the building was, because it didn’t matter, it was all about cooking outside again. Two children, Jaden and Adam, would be having parties thrown by the teams. Parties for what, I don’t know. Maybe for having rich, well-connected parents who got some celebrities to do their bidding on a TV show. Anyway, the kids were cute enough, and it sure seemed like the girl, Jaden, had her fill of sugar that morning. Because Team Rachael won again, they got to choose the child they wanted. Much to the chagrin of Hines Ward, Kathy (Najimy) and Carnie (Wilson) chose Jaden which left Team Guy with Adam.

Team Rachael: Surprisingly, Jaden liked a lot of different foods. When I have kids, they’re going to try the foods I give them whether they like it or not. Chicken nuggets are okay once in awhile, but not for every meal for 15 years. Anyway, Jaden explained that she liked hummus, salsas, guacamole, cheesecake, sloppy Joes, Rice Crispy treats, and cupcakes. Guess what, that’s exactly what the team decided to do. Well, not exactly, considering that Carnie’s “Rad-berry” raspberry bars were wondrous and she didn’t think she had enough time to make a cheesecake. Kids like cheese. Kids like sweet cheese. Hell kids like anything except fruits that leave little seeds stuck in your teeth FOREVER. As a 22 year old kid, I can vouch for them.

Anyway, Carnie decided to handle the Sloppy Jaden’s (oh these celebrities are so punny) and make the raspberry bars. She decided to focus on the raspberry bars and make a basic sandwich for the kids. ENNNNH (that was my attempt at a buzzer). Bad idea as you’ll find out later. Hines decided to make the cupcakes and the frosting and some quesadillas. Kathy handled s’mores crispy treats and made hummus, guacamole, and salsa. She decided to toss the salsa at the last minute because it turned into soup. While I admire Kathy’s quality control throughout the show, I really think she might be hurting her chances in the long run by not following what Rachael has been telling her.

The party went well, with Kathy doing her best substitute teacher (of the year 1995 and 1996) impression and leading the girls in some rah-rah games while Hines was a good sport and let the girls paint his nails. Carnie wore a red afro.

Team Guy: Guy Fieri may not be the most celebrated celebrity chef in the world, but if there’s anything he knows, it’s how to relate to kids. Unfortunately for Johnny Weir, if there’s anything that’s his kryptonite, it’s how to relate to kids. Dean plugged his website about cooking for kids and talked about what a letdown it’d be to be let go in this episode. Their boy, Adam, had the attention span you’d expect a young boy to, and so it was difficult at first to get his ideas. In the end, Guy, in a stroke of genius, decided to let the kids make their own pizzas and make their own cupcakes.

Dean decided to do some crispy treats cooked in liquid nitrogen so the boys could “breathe fire” and worked on the pizzas, while Johnny made chicken fries (chicken for the fourth time, if you’re counting) and handled the cupcake-making station. Johnny struggled at using the fryer and at making the frosting, so Dean came to the rescue.

The boy’s party went better than the girls, with the “dragonbreath” crispy treats went over very well.

Oh yeah, Rico Rodriguez (Manny on Modern Family) “guest-judged” for the episode. AKA he was given food, greeted the kids, mingled with Rachael and Guy, filled out score-cards and left. Hey, doesn’t sound like a bad life to me.

In the end, it was a tie. A TIE!!!! Again, I’m still surprised at how invested I am in this show, audibly saying “Oh wow…” when it was revealed. I shouldn’t care this much, but I do. Anyway, the people who made the lowest-scored dish from each team as scored by the kids at the party would face off in a cook-off. Basically, that guaranteed Johnny Weir to cook for his life. Carnie’s “Rad-berry” bars weren’t so rad after all and she wound up having to go against him.

The ingredient was a hot dog. Johnny didn’t use a hot dog, but used a sausage. Personally, I thought his dish looked better than Carnie’s, but again, he didn’t use the ingredient he was supposed to. Dean kept telling him to “use the star” the whole time, but apparently he didn’t hear him. Carnie made a fairly traditional hot dog with a spicy ketchup. The moment Johnny said he wasn’t using a hot dog, I had a bad feeling he’d be going home. Of course, he did. I’m actually sad, because I went from not really caring for Johnny to being won over by his devotion to his charity in this show. Had he used a hot dog, I do think he would’ve stayed. Oh well.

Next week, the celebrities will be operating food trucks. It looks like it’s Dean vs. Kathy, Hines, and Carnie, so we’ll see if he can pull it off on his own. Until then!

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