Krispy Kreme, Your Time Is Done

I’m sick to death of Krispy Kreme. Have you watched the documentary wherein what looks to be about twenty pounds of frosting is somehow crammed into one poor little doughnut? Or eaten more than, like, half of one? Sure, they taste good, but by the third bite my stomach is winding up to punch itself so I can’t usher in Type-2 Diabetes any faster. In general, I find Krispy Kreme-style doughnuts–you know the kind, ostensibly “lighter” than cake doughnuts, but weighed down with three bajillion times more glaze and moisture–unpleasant to eat.

We need more cake doughnuts, man! Gloriously crumbly, moist but not soaking, the kind Dunkin’ Donuts used to make before they somehow ruined chocolate honey glaze forever! Starbuck’s giant glazed ring hit pretty close to the mark for about five minutes and then they realized shoddy mass-produced doughnuts were better; Dunkin’ lost the edge on everything but donut holes and glazed around the time of their unholy union with Baskin-Robbins. Now it’s up to the local bakeries to carry on the legacy. Fortunately there are plenty nearby; but any time I try to get a doughnut on the road and see Krispy Kremes leering at me through the gas station window I shake with held-back foodie rage. RAAAAGE!

You see these pictures, folks? These pictures are what doughnuts are supposed to be. And if you want them nice and gooey like that scourge from the South, all ya gotta do is microwave ‘em for about ten seconds.

Ideally we’d all fry up our own doughnuts. God knows there are recipes. But in the meantime, store owners, snack lovers, doughnut tycoons: cake! LET US EAT CAKE!

-Jim is terrifyingly passionate about his snack food

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  • JEP

    When I eat a doughnut, I too want cake.

  • frostillicus

    I am not only the owner of a successful bakery in Philadelphia and a self-proclaimed donutophile, but until now, a regular enjoyer of this blog. However, after reading what can only be described as a hate-mongering bit of fried propoganda, I am appalled. Since when did that grease-covered, watered-down, rachel-loving, soulless corporation start sponsoring you? Dunkin’ Yo-nuts is a horrible franchise, and the fact that the author suggests that there ever was or still is, anything remotely edible behind those Charlie’s Angel’s orange and pink counters, suggests a complete lack of taste and shall henceforth be removed from my bookmarks. LONG LIVE THE KREME!!!

  • http://www.foodonthefood.com Tammy

    You said it, man. Righteous rage. DD has ripped out my heart and stomped on it. And gas station doughnuts, much like gas station bathrooms, are disgusting.

  • http://tomhamilton.blogspot.com Tom

    One cannot successfully achieve the perfect donut dunk with a Krispy Kreme donut, you gotta go with cake! They have a more subtle nuance to them, I think.

  • http://alosha7777.blogspot.com melissa

    lighten up, man. I ate at dunkin’ donuts for a short time when I was young and living in dallas (I’m talkin 20 years ago) and they were decent. those classic chocolate frosted ones jim is referring to I have a few fond memories of.

    however, I agree that they are now, and have for a long time, been crap. and krispy kreme? oh I am so glad other people agree. I can’t stand those things. at the very height of my sweets-loving (I no longer care for sweets really at all save for creme brulee or strawberry shortcake) I tried a krispy kreme donut or two. I wanted to vomit from all the sugar. I mean, really, it was beyond ridiculous.

  • http://chewonthatblog.com Jim

    Here’s the thing: Dunkin’ Donuts is not high-class fare, neither are gas station donuts. I never meant to imply such a thing (though I may have with my Krispy Kreme vitriol). In fact, I will say that DD just plain sucks nowadays, with even their formerly-mighty doughnut holes now wallowing in flavorless mass-production. And Rachel Ray scares the bejesus out of me. They were never AMAZING, delicious in the way that doughnuts from our local bakers will be. But they do make CAKE-LIKE doughnuts, which I find infinitely preferable to the supersweet superfrosted yeast-risen “wet” doughnuts Krispy Kreme is known for.

    @frost, we’d hate to lose your readership over one disagreement. You can keep your Kremes and I will keep my cake-like donuts (hereafter referred to as CLD), and we can toast each over over the next Weekly Libation. Or you can ignore my posts from here on in and just focus on the other editors; they all think I’m crazy anyway.

  • http://crankyfitness.blogspot.com Crabby McSlacker

    Being more a Cupcake girl generally, I have occasionally and apparently ignorantly enjoyed a warm Krispy Kreme or two before. This generally happens on a Road Trip where eating all kinds of crap is permissible. (We even stop at McDonalds for the faux ice cream sundaes).

    So I’m not even sure I know which are the “cake” kind of doughnuts. I just like whatever it is that I think at one point were called “old fashioneds”, a little more fried-tasting than the fluffy kind. And they should have chocolate on top. It seemed to me that KK had something sort of like that, and it was tasty.

    But I do know the pain of having a favorite snack food messed with. So my sympathies, even though I am pretty clueless about what you all are taking about!

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  • http://thebakerwhocooks.blogspot.com cher

    and we don’t even have Krispy Kremes here! but most of my friends who have tried them abroad rave about them and never fail to bring boxes back. now there’s like a donut rage here…. people queue like more than 3 hours just for donuts which in my opinion tastes like white bread smeared with sickeningly sweet icing. but it’s apparently ‘healthy’ since they bake their donuts… i think i should just make my own, from scratch. yes, that will be my new mission.

  • http://www.abdominalpaincauses.com Todd

    Just had to say great post! Enjoyed reading it. I don’t comment much, but just had to say, “It’s great that you are getting this information out to the public eye”. We’re sick of Krispy Kreme as well! Very informative. Keep up the good work! Thanks for the insight and will check back…

  • http://www.2losebellyfat.com Belly

    Yummm great doughnuts tip thanks

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