Your Weekly Libation: Nightmare Mode
No sissy tasty drinks we want to try this week, oh no. THIS week we’re talking about an evil drink. A heinous drink. A drink that, as soon as your buddy says “let’s do this drink!” you should run like hell. Possibly after punching him in the face and stealing his wallet (so he can’t buy anyone else the drink).
Now, I hate oysters. I don’t care how you cook them; they still taste like ocean-flavored rubber. That’s not just seawater, mind you, it’s all the stuff IN seawater. Fish leavings. Dead things. Commercial waste!
I don’t care about the scores of women with whom Casanova shared oysters in the bath (ick, ugh, EW); if I want a potent aphrodisiac I’ll eat chocolate.
So the reason why I decided to do an Oyster Shot with my cousins and my brother last Easter eludes me to this day. Oh wait! Alcohol. That was it.
As I sat at a St. Simon’s Island, GA bar with my three partners in self-punishment, I watched the ingredients splash into a shooter with increasing trepidation: first, a raw freaking oyster. Then a shot of vodka. Then a spritz of lemon. Then enough Tabasco and pepper to turn my helldrink an angry shade of red. A few more ingredients went unseen–because by this point, I shielded my eyes, frantically praying to my cruel and capricious God–and then the shot glasses were plopped down in front of us, foul slurry slopping over the sides. I crossed myself, toasted my idiot relatives, and slammed the shot down.
Why, yes, I do have a gag reflex, thanks for reminding me! And let me tell you, getting an oyster caught in it is a holiday memory I will cherish until Christ returns and says his dad is going to be so mad at all of us, he’s not even kidding.
It tastes like someone seasoned the ocean and made you drink it. It has the texture of bike tire soup. It lingers in your nostrils after you force it down.
Why would I recommend this drink? Two reasons: first, you must always be willing to do something incredibly stupid with your drinking buddies (think bachelor party, people). Second, if life ever seems too hard, Pretty Princess, try this: take this shot, then step out under the grand blue sky and see how much better everything feels, now that you have imbibed hell.
-Jim needs a “truly girly drink” after all that manliness